DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
