where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
