I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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