dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
