He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
