sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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