your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
