my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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