you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
