All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
