how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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