my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
