If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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