Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
