Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Four minutes until I can fart!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
