i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
