My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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