anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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