You just made me feel so damn special
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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