I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also, beer. Big fan.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
