if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
