I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
