i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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