he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
