your parents love me but you hate me
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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