Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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