He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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