I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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