I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
