I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
