I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
