I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
