We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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