I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
two words...techno handjob
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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