I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
