What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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