we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
