Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
