I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
