She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
