Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
