I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
