just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
