Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's never too late to be topless.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
