i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
