If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
