Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
