This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
