Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
