Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
