awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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