M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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