Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
