Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
