Don't you send me to vm
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We need a shit load of segways right now
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
