i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
