you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
