Banned from zoo.
Again?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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