i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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