I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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